The Art of Setting Boundaries

A few years ago, I found myself in the position of understanding the concept of "boundaries" but lacking the knowledge of how to establish and maintain healthy boundaries in various aspects of my life - relationships, work, family, and friendships. Initially, I perceived boundaries as fences erected to keep people out, but I gradually realized that they were more like invisible lines drawn in the sand, visible only when we make them explicit.

My struggle with setting boundaries resembled my past birthday parties, which were characterized by several aspects:

• Numerous guests: I had difficulty saying "no" to people.

• A considerable amount of work: I didn't want to disappoint my guests.

• "You are so nice!" - these four words were intended to make me feel good.

• "All this work for what?" - I didn't even enjoy my own party!

Establishing boundaries necessitates clarity regarding our preferences, desires, limitations, and non-negotiables. Often, we find ourselves accepting circumstances and readily agreeing due to the desire to please others, seek external validation, or avoid conflicts and arguments. Consequently, we accumulate feelings of resentment, anger, and frustration, which eventually lead to outbursts or reactive behavior when someone oversteps our boundaries.

To successfully introduce and set boundaries, it is crucial to pay attention to the origins of these emotions, particularly when we feel uncomfortable without knowing the exact cause. Observing our reactions and identifying the sources of negativity in our lives becomes essential. Sally Baker, a senior, licensed, and accredited therapist in London, U.K., aptly suggests becoming a detective of our own psychology.

In the realm of boundaries, it is not sufficient to merely recognize and acknowledge our needs, desires, and limitations. Equally important is the ability to discuss them without being confrontational, which can be challenging when someone pushes our limits. Effective communication serves as the bedrock for maintaining healthy boundaries with those we care about.

We can share our needs with ease, grace, and kindness. If we are unsure about how to do so, we can buy ourselves more time and respond with something like, "Thank you for XYZ; I will take some time to think about it."

This new behavior will create new neural pathways, enabling us to become more assertive and decisive when it comes to our needs.

Now that we understand the art of setting boundaries and communicating them transparently, let us apply this successful formula to guide us toward our desired outcomes:

1. Honesty with ourselves and others.

2. Incorporation of our needs into conversations.

3. Maintenance of kindness.

Remember, we all deserve to enjoy our own birthday party!